About MDMA and Surrender

So I’ve been really going hard at all the podcasts, books and research on MDMA’s use in the treatment of PTSD. Guess what—I’M REALLY, REALLY EXCITED. More to come about why in an upcoming piece.

What I’ll share now are some thoughts about surviving extremely difficult times.

2019 was an intense, tiring and hugely important year for me. I felt like crying tears of joy on New Year’s Eve because really, where was there to go but up?

The last night of 2019

Oops, girl! Your country and the whole world are about to experience next level trauma, the kind which hasn’t been felt since WW2.

Learning about MDMA, specifically listening to Dr. Rachel Yehuda on Mt. Sinai’s podcast, turned the tables on my feelings of victim hood this week. We’re all victims. As Yehuda says, trauma isn’t a matter of ‘who’ but ‘when’.

Turns out it’s going to happen to us all at some point in our lives. Undoubtably, 2020 was the some point for many.

Seasoned in depression and anxiety, 2020 wasn’t my first rodeo. But it opened up new depths: I’ve never been unable to distract myself for 10 months. No running. No hiding. Just looking.

I lost 20 pounds, became deeply acquainted with insomnia, and had trouble talking.

No way out except through.

What I found is that the pain is proportionate to the healing. After sitting with my wounds for 10 months (in the morning, evening, in the middle of the night), I’ve never felt so close to shaking off my demons. As we all know, I’m a frequent flyer when it comes to psychotherapy, which I’m both proud of and fully endorse. But it couldn’t take me here, to this precipice, where I am preparing to fly.

‘Give yourself a break’, I’ve heard again and again from psychiatrists. But I couldn’t do it.

So basic and so impossible. MDMA clinical trials have shown phenomenal success at enabling this paradigm shift. Moving out of the intellectual, cognitive state of “ordinary consciousness”, our hearts seize control from our heads. Ultimately, freeing oneself from pain of the largest magnitude appears to require a hand from psychedelic medicine.

Ladies and gentleman, I have issued myself an apology for being so endlessly critical. The break has been awarded.

Stay tuned. I’ll be following up with interviews with people who have already tried MDMA, how getting accepted into a phase 3 trial goes for me, and news about the progress toward FDA approval.

In the meantime, here are some of the materials I’ve found enlightening:

Trust, Surrender, Receive by Anne Other

How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan

Research funded by MAPS

Behind the Scenes of FDA Approval

For the Podcast lovers

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